A not so immaculate conception
by notsosolemnly
Summary: After a trip to an uncharted island, Sirius develops some strange symptoms... Warning: Kind of mpreg but not really, may contain grammar and spelling errors.


In the tropical jungle of the uncharted island of Ooh Eeh Ooh Ah Ah, the marauders were slaying their way through the overgrown rainforest. They had been doing so for hours now, and were all mighty exhausted. Fortunately, just as Peter was ready to pass out, they arrived at a cave and stopped to examine it.

"A cave! I wonder what's in there" said James, awestruck.

"Perhaps this mysterious inscription here will tell" said Remus, trying to interpret said mystical inscription, which seemed to be written in an alphabet Remus didn't know. Possibly Russian.

"It appears to be saying" said Sirius. " 'He who is valiant, and pure of spirit, may find the holy grail in the castle of Aaauuurrrgghh' "

"Very funny. Now if you don't mind, I have a mysterious cave inscription to translate"

"There is no way you can ever work out what that means"

"Oh? Well I have you know there is always a way to work out mysterious inscriptions. Have adventure films taught you nothing?"

"And how exactly do you plan on translating that?"

Remus examined the symbols closely.

"While you stare at that, I'm going in" said Sirius.

"But this inscription could be saying: Warning! Do not enter!"

"If that was the case I'd do it anyway!"

"There could be giant moths in there. Or cannibals, or powerful dark magic. Maybe he who enters may never return!"

"Or maybe there's lots of gold! Be a little optimistic!" said James.

"Do what you wish, I warned you once"

James and Sirius shrugged, and went inside the cave. But because there were afraid of giant moths, they made Peter go first.

There was nothing dangerous in the cave, which was quite amazing considering it was in a jungle. There were some scorpions, but they didn't have any stingers, and when you stomped on them they made weasel sounds.

"Here are more inscriptions" said Peter. "And drawings of hunters and mammoths"

Sirius saw a note on the ground and picked it up. At the same time Remus found them.

"Did you work out what that inscription meant?" James asked.

"I think it said: 'don't use the loo', or 'yes, we have no bananas' Depends on if it really was klingon, or that new language I just discovered"

"Or maybe it just said: 'don't touch things on the ground'" said Sirius, and showed Remus the note.

"Oh. Where did you find that?"

"On the-" Sirius threw away the note. "Ground. Oops?"

"I wonder what's on the ground" said Peter. "Apart from those scorpions"

"Are those tropical no stingers?" Remus asked.

"It certainly sounds right" said James.

"Mhm. The note is right; don't touch things on the ground"

"Why?"

"Well, because they lay invisible eggs, that sometimes, if you touch them, go through your skin and move into your appendix"

"What happens if they do that?" Sirius asked, now panicky.

"I don't know. It's probably never happened before"

"Then how do you know they move into your appendix?"

"Excellent point. I'll look it up when we get home"

So the first thing Sirius did when they were all back in school, was to consult an expert.

"I touched the note with this hand" Sirius explained to Lily. "Am I dying now?"

"I'll only tell you one more time: ask Pomfrey! I'm trying to do my homework!"

"I don't want to, she makes you drink gross things! One time I had a sore throat and she gave me something I'd seen her squeeze out of pair of dragon balls a week before!"

"St Mungos then? Or why not Dumbledore? I'm sorry, but I don't have the answer to your questions"

Well, Dumbledore was closer so Sirius decided to take his errand there. He had to wait a moment outside the office, for Dumbledore was apparently having a guest. Upon eaves dropping, Sirius decided he didn't want to hear any more. Soon enough, the door opened and a young muscular Chippendale passed by him.

"Which way McGonagall?" he asked Dumbledore with a broken accent.

"Just down the stairs and to the left" Dumbledore replied. "See you again Friday, Sir Gay!"

"It's _Sergey_!"

As Sergey disappeared, Dumbledore let Sirius into his office.

"Ah, Sirius! What brings you here?"

"Well, when I was in this uncharted tropical island this summer, I may have touched invisible tropical no stinger eggs, and I wonder if, well, if I'm ok"

"I see. Have you seen Pomfrey about this?"

"No. I don't want to see Pomfrey. I value your medical opinion more"

"Everybody does, because I don't make people drink body fluids"

"Exactly"

"Her methods are quite humorous, aren't they, if you catch my drift"

"Right"

"You probably didn't, or you would be laughing your head off"

"No I get it, I bet you think Pomfrey can be real hippocrite"

"You don't have to make fun of her weight problems"

"So, is it true? Do I have no-stinger eggs in my appendix?"

"Well, let's find out! Why don't you turn around so I can check you with this probe"

"What?"

"This robe! Put it on, and if you have parasites it will glow"

"Oh!"

"Honestly, just because I'm gay does it mean I'm a dirty pervert! Homophobe!"

"Of course not. But you DID say probe!"

"All right, I did. I had to see your reaction.

The robe did glow, but only time would tell what effect having no-stinger eggs in your appendix had.

A week later, on a morning, Sirius had been more busy checking his reflection than usual, and this caused him to be late to his charms exam. So when he finally remembered, he ran to the right classroom, stormed in and yelled: "I'M LATE!"

Because he was late, you see. For the exam.

"Yes, thank you, we can see that" said Flitwick. "And because you're late you have to take this test some other time"

"But, I'm here now, why can't I take it now?"

"Those are the rules. Good bye"

At lunch time, Dorcas wanted to ask Sirius what he was up to this weekend, but as she got a closer look at him, she changed her mind.

"Hi, Cas" said Sirius.

"Hey… You… look different"

"What do you mean?"  
"Nothing! I just thought you… cared about your physique more"

"What?"

"Never mind, it's probably the lighting"

"Did you just call me fat?"

"I have to go. Bye, guys"

When Dorcas had disappeared, Sirius asked James if he thought he was fat.

"No, not _fat_. Maybe a tad on the pudgy side, but not _fat_. Not _morbidly _fat, like Wormtail"

"Moony, do you think I'm fat?"

"According to what standards?"

"The unreasonable ones"

"Then yes, you have been getting kind of fat"

"I don't believe it! How did this happen?"

"I'd say around the time you started eating more"

"This morning I could hardly get into my clothes, that's why I was late for the exams. But I thought that maybe they had just been shrunk by house elves. I cried about it for an hour"

"Really? Well, it's no big deal. Join the quidditch team, it burns more calories than you'd think" said James.

"Oh no, I'm _fat_! This is my worst nightmare… Hang on, maybe those blasted no-stinger eggs have messed up my metabolism!"

"Could be"

"If the cave inscription had read: 'Do not enter, you'll get fat', would you still have gone in?" Remus asked.

But Sirius found that remark anything but amusing. He was quite insulted, as a matter of fact. So insulted that he stormed out of the Great Hall.

The following day, in the evening, Remus was reading up on no-stingers in the library. The other marauders were also there, but they were just slacking off and bothered not to find something out on their own.

"Oh my…" said Remus, commenting what he was reading. "That's so hilarious…"

"What's hilarious?" Peter asked.

"It's hilarious that Padfoot is pregnant"

"That's impossible, I _always _use protection" said Sirius.

"And it's impossible for that other reason too" James pointed out.

"What other reason?"  
"You're a _bloke_! Correct me if I'm wrong, but do you not need a uterus to be pregnant?"

"Only if you want to be pregnant with a human. No-stingers are perfectly happy with growing for 3 weeks inside an appendix" Remus explained. "So gender isn't really an issue. Nor is species"

"You are making this up. Didn't you say nobody knew what effects it had to have no-stingers in your appendix?" Sirius asked.

"Truth to be told, I just said that for dramatic effect. Read for yourself"

Sirius couldn't be buggered to make it through the whole page.

"Meh, I take your word for it"

"So what now? Does he need a, you know, the A word" Peter asked.

"Appletinys?" James asked.

"No, an abortion!"

"For the answer to that question I must have to direct you all to St Mungos"

And so they all went to St Mungos right away. The nurse examined Sirius' belly with ultrasound.

"Congratulations. You're pregnant"

"When am I due?"

"In three weeks"

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Hundreds of them"

James cleared his throat.

"The A-word, the A-word" he muttered between coughs.

"Oh, right!" said Sirius. "Do you want to go out and have an appletiny sometime?"

The nurse just stared at him. "You're 16"

"And beautiful and yours?"

"I'm 34"

"You look 28"

"And you could pass for 19"

"See, now it's less than 10 years between us!"

"Now this will be my anecdote when someone says you never use math in real life situations" said Remus.

James sighed. "Nurse, can those Nostingers be removed?"

"Yes, quite simply. Just drink this every morning for three days" said the nurse and gave Sirius a bottle of something green and thick.

"I'm not a murderer!" he screamed and ran out.

"The problem is that people who get nostingers tend to become emotionally attached to them. They send out hormones to affect the host that way"

"Don't you have anything for that?" Remus asked.

"Certainly. But, because the host get so attached to the nostingers-"

"Ok, ok"

Sirius had gone to a shop that sold baby things. He was looking at clothes when the other two found him.

"Isn't this hat just adorable?" he said.

"You do realize that a nostinger wouldn't be able to wear a hat like that" said James.

"It's too big for their heads" said Remus.

"But I figure it would shrink in the laundry" said Sirius. "Look, socks! They'll be needing socks!"

"Anyway I'm going back now. Homework"

"I have homework too!" said James, so desperate to leave.

"So you guys are just gonna leave me here? That's so uncool!"

"It's just that…"

"All these baby things…" said Remus.

"It makes us want to barf, quite honestly"

"Oh, that's mature!" Sirius snapped. "I bet you feel this is some sort of threat for your masculinity, but let me assure you: neither of you have any of that"

"I honestly don't care. I still have homework" said Remus and left.

"Fine go then you traitor!" Sirius yelled after him. "At least I have you, Prongs"

"Right, well… I too have, as I said, homework"

"You don't do homework"

"Why did I say homework? Obviously I meant quidditch"  
"But it's not Thursday"

"It's been rescheduled"

Then James ran out of the shop.

Remus had not expected to run into James as he left St Mungos later that day.

"Hi!" he said uncharacteristically out of character as he hid something behind his back.

James hadn't expected to run into Remus either for that matter, so he too was… uncharacteristically surprised. They stared for a moment.

"What's that behind your back?" James then asked, because their staring was getting uncharacteristically awkward.

"Nothing I don't have anything behind my back why? What are you doing here anyway are you here to get something?"

"No! Maybe! It depends! Why? Who's asking?!"

"Right, I know why I'm acting guilty but why are you acting guilty?"

"I'm not acting guilty. So you're guilty of something, are you?"

"Ok, fine! I went to get this!" Remus showed the bottle with the thick green stuff, the A-word potion. "I know it's not my place to… poison others, but-"

James snatched the bottle.

"That's fine, I don't mind doing it" he said, running away with it.

That evening, when Sirius was away at some meeting for pregnant teenagers nobody had invited him to, James and Remus tried to figure out how to make Sirius drink it when he got back.

"Doesn't he care about how freaked out those muggles are going to be when they see him?" Remus asked, uncapping the bottle and smelling it. "Ugh"

"That truly stinks. I can even smell it from _here! _Do you suppose it tastes bad too?"

"Try it"

"_You _try it!"

"Where's Wormtail anyway?"

James disappeared from the dorm to look for Peter, and returned with him within a matter of seconds.

"What are you doing?" Peter asked, throwing Charms books at the bed since had just had extra tutoring in said subject.

"Here have some" said Remus, passing the green stuff to Peter.

"It stinks what is it?"

"Try it, and then guess! That's the game!" said James.

"I don't wanna play that game"

"You can't _not _play it. It's against the rules"

"So what's the prize?"

"Honour and glory. And this gum wrapper"

"Wait a minute!" Peter squeaked, now starting to suspect something. "This is that A-word potion isn't it?"

"No it isn't" Remus lied.

"Nope, definitely not" James also lied.

"Why do I always have to be your guinea pig?"

"Because you're the weakest one. Duh"

"And what if I refuse?"

"Then I suppose I was wrong about you after all. I was honestly starting to think you were a little cool but if you can't do this one little harmless thing for the team… How can I trust you?"

"No I'm cool honestly watch!" Peter tried to have some of the potion, put spit it out instantly. "Oh… God…"

"That bad?"

"It tastes like Marmite"

"Well that's not so bad, then we can put it in Marmite" said Remus.

"But he doesn't like Marmite" said James.

"I have a brilliant plan! Well, not as much brilliant as unnecessarily complex, but… Although it doesn't have to be that complex either, and it's worth a shot-"

"Ok what is it?"

"Marmite flavoured jelly beans. If… we went to the factory that makes them and somehow make it so they are flavoured with that… And then make him eat ten of them…"

"That is an extremely far fetched solution"

"So what do you suggest?"

"Mixing it with booze, of course. He'll drink anything if it has alcohol in it"

"True…"

When they had fetched a bottle of Jack from Slughorn's mini bar while he was off hosting a Slug Meeting, they ran into Sirius in the entrance hall.

"Are you planning on getting smashed?"

"Eh, I don't know, would you like to get smashed with us?"

"I don't think I should!"

"Why not?"

"Consumption of alcohol is bad for pregnant people!"

"Since when?"

"Since biblical times! It will ruin their brains!"

"They are _worms!_ Or something like that. Besides, Moony here was just saying how alcohol is in fact very good for the unborn!_"_

"Uhm, yeah. Definitely" said Remus.

"Oh really?" said Sirius.

"Nostingers need it to develop their hearts"

"Fine then, give Jack to me then"

"No, we need cups first" said James.

"Come on, it's not like any of us have herpes or something"

"Well, actually, Wormtail has herpes"

"I do not!" Peter objected.

"Yes. You do"

"What sort of herpes?" Sirius asked. "Because I seriously doubt he could have herpes"

"There are several types of herpes" said Remus. "Not just naughty herpes"

"There's un-naughty herpes?"

"Yes. Herpes that can be transmitted via saliva only"

"Is there un-naughty syphilis too?"

"Yes Wormtail has that too so that's why I need to fill these cups as far away from all of you as possible" said James disappeared around a near corner.

"So how was your pregnant teenage girls meeting?" Remus asked.

"Very educational. You can't get pregnant when you're already pregnant, apparently, but we all still got condoms. You'll never believe what they are for! Apparently you slip them onto-"

"Yes, thank you, I know what they are for"

"I don't know what they are for" said Peter. "What are they for?"

"To think that this would never have happened if I had used one. Silly, silly me" Sirius went on. "But then, they only work 99% of the time"

"Right…" said Remus, wondering what took James so long.

"Still I regret nothing. Hey, do I look radiant yet?"

"Like you ate a tub of phosphorus"

"So it _does _work!"

Finally James was came back with splashing cups of Jack hovering around him like bees.

"Ok, everyone!" he said, passing them around (but checking for not so subtle smiley face markings first so he knew which one was drugged).

"Wait" said Remus. "Why are we doing this here in the middle of the entrance hall where teachers could see us?"

"Because you didn't say anything until now" James replied.

"That makes me so angry for some reason!" Sirius screamed and threw his cup on the floor and stormed off.

"Great. You ruined everything now"

"That makes me so angry for some reason, always having to be the one who thinks of everything!" Remus also yelled and stormed off.

The afternoon the following day Sirius didn't have to participate in physical educations class due to his condition. Or, actually, he did have to participate but refused to because he thought he didn't have to. Instead he just sat leaning against the wall knitting while the other students played dodge ball.

"Whoa that sure was exhausting" said Remus after being out not two minutes into the game.

"I don't think that ball actually hit you" said Sirius. "As much as you threw yourself at it"

"I'm so thirsty, if only I had something to drink…" he glanced at a bottle of kiwi pumpkinjuice next to Sirius, that Sirius then passed to him.

"Thanks"

Then Remus turned away not so discretely to sneak some A-word potion into it. Then he gave it back.

"Say, when was the last time you drank?"

"I don't know, before I got here?"

"Because it's very important to drink every 10 minutes when you're pregnant"

"Really?"

"Really"

"Let me check with the book"

Book? What book? But Sirius appeared to have brought a book with him, a book on pregnancies.

"Now let see, in what chapter would they mention that…" he started browsing.

"I might not be in the book" Remus therefor went on to say. "Fairly recent studies have shown that it's best to drink every 10 minutes. It was only published in Wizard Science this week. A continuous cleansing of the vascular system is very good for the development of babies"

A whistle blew sharply. Apparently they were done with dogeball and were instructed to fetch some other props for some other game. The foam balls were all put back in the giant cage of wall on wheels.

"Hey what's going on" said James, casually killing a thirst with some kiwi pumpkinjuice.

"No!" said Remus, far too late.

"What?"

But Remus just stared at him, keeping look out for signs of a horrible reaction, such as dilated pupils or a rash for example. The shock in his eyes did clue James in on why he was staring at him so horrifiedly, 'though, and he stopped drinking from it.

"What's the problem?" Sirius asked.

"I just remembered" said James. "I might be terribly allergic to kiwi"

"No you're not"

"Yes I might be, it's new. I have to go. And you should come too, in case my throat closes or something" he said to Remus.

"I'll come too" said Sirius. "I'm bored anyway"

"No, sit! I mean stay. Roll over"

Murderous glare.

"Just kidding, but really, stay"

"You need to take it easy because you're pregnant" said Remus.

"I have to walk places anyway" said Sirius.

"You shouldn't walk anywhere! You wait here, and we'll come back with a wheelchair" said James and then left with Remus.

Then, just outside the sport's hall.

"Hang on a minute" James then said. "People drink this all the time"

"I know. You'll probably be fine" said Remus, unfolding a patient information leaflet. "Except, because the stuff is for women, it could really mess with your hormones. So, contact a medical professional if you experience any of the following: addiction, bleeding, bruising, cardiovascular disease, deafness, dementia, depression, dizziness, drowsiness fever, hair loss, headache, hypertension, insomnia, liver damage, mood swings, seizures, stroke, not reading that out loud-"

"There's probably an anti-dote for all those things"

"There is no anti-dote for Belladonna"

"Belladonna but that's illegal!"

"No, the flowers are illegal. Promoting the leaves as _Nightshade_, on the other hand, is not"

"But that's the part that's most poisonous!"

"I know! The old geezers at the Department for Medicinal Flora are corrupt bastards!"

James sank down to the floor.

"Great. Just great"

"Only one out of ten feel anything"

"Oh?"

"One out of ten women…"

"Well I got dizziness and head ache covered already, and I can probably cross insomnia off later"

"That lady at St Mungos gave this to us. She obviously thought it was fine, so it probably is!"

Then their evil physical eds teacher Ed showed up to shout at them for chatting like women when they should be participating in class.

"Why are you out here resting your asses when you should be doing laps with the others? Answer me, you sissies!"

Later that evening. Sirius threw himself flat on his bed kicking off his shoes after a long day of sitting on his ass.

"I'm exhausted somebody fetch me a ginger ale, shoo shoo!"

Nobody moved.

"I said 'to shoo'!"

"Walking is good for the unborn" said Remus, for some reason.

"Not for the tired"

"Get rid of your worms them, if you don't like being tired"  
"How DARE you?! What if somebody had told your mother to get rid of you when she was expecting you?!"

Then he fell asleep. The coast was clear. James slipped rubber gloves over his hands.

"I love rubber gloves, they make me feel all doctor-y. Nurse, syringe!"

Annoyed, but too tired to argue, Remus picked up the syringe that had that potion in it.

"I still think I should do this"

"Come on, I need all the practice for Healer school!"

"You can't keep your right hand straight, you keep slapping everything!"

"Stupid weird side-effect…" James tried to hold his right hand still with the left until it stopped. "There, so give it! Or are you that desperate to poke Padfoot with a long, stiff object?"

"Not as desperate as you, clearly" Remus gave him the syringe.

"Nerves hit: 0" Squirt, squirt. "Right. Screw pro-choice, let's kill the bastards!"

"Step one: locate a vein" Remus read from a book he had found called Home Heroinist's Handbook. It was pretty thin. "Get the needle in and… squirt. But make sure to disinfect first"

"But the needle is already disinfected, that creepy alley guy assured me"

"Well, at Healer school they will tell you to also disinfect the area of injecting, it's probably just a safety thing"

"But what's the point? Even if this needle could spread hepatitis, disinfecting the arm wouldn't make any difference. Right?"

"Eh… probably not… But it's what they do"

So that's what they did. It took them several tries because Sirius kept making sudden movements and sleeptalk with a sudden loudness that kept making them jump, but they got there, during a less chaotic moment. So fast asleep from the sideffects from the worms, he looked like a genderbent snow white. Although right now also on the slightly pudgy side, but that would also soon be taken care of. Having always been really thin, he wasn't still pudgy enough to actually be pudgy, just… less tin. Some might describe it as "more healthy looking".

"It just sucks that there is no genderbent princess that suits me" said James. "You have Cinderella, but what about me?"

"Maybe you can be some genderbent evil queen?" Remus suggested, for there were indeed few princess alternatives left, and certainly not one that wasn't blonde. "Or that creepy stalker deer girl from Bambi that nobody likes"

"They aren't _deers, _they are _fawns_!"

"Deer shmeer"

So it was time to just get it over with. James got down on his knees. The term 'beauty sleep' had never been more fitting. Shake those thoughts. Everyone got them around him. Stupid Sirius and his Veela genetics. Amazing what 'two grandmothers away' could have for effect on ones look.

"Will you please stop gawking and get to it?" Remus said.

"Can I please find a vein first? Is that ok with you?"

"You have to press a little harder to find one"

"I _know_!"

He did eventually find a vein and injected the antidote. It all went very smoothly. That extra pudgyness washed off instantly.

The next morning, at breakfast. Sirius was checking out his reflection, having not realized how much he had miss it's perfection.

"Bastards almost got my cheekbones. Nothing's gonna harm you again, my darlings…"

"So no hard feelings, then?" James asked.

"Well, I suppose 17 is a bit soon to start raising a family. I still have my whole life ahead"

"They were _worms" _said Remus.

"And you're a werewolf, I'd expect more tolerance from you!"

"Anyway, maybe when you're 35 you can go back to those caves and let them fatten you up again" said James.

"Maybe. I'll make sure to keep my list of names 'til then" Sirius got out a long strip of papers with names on it. "Rest in peace Aaron, Abbot, Abby, Adder, Adrian, Adolf-"

"_Adolf? _Do you know that name is off limits?"

"Yes, but I had to come up with 200 million names! So I have three Adolf's"

"Why not have three more 'Adrians' and no 'Adolfs'?" Remus asked.

"Four Adrians is just too many, duh!"


End file.
